What makes a relationship last longer? According to the couples therapist Jeff Guenther, it is one single habit that makes your relationship feel safe and satisfying.
In an Instagram video posted on April 17, Jeff stressed that it is not ‘weekly date nights, having the same attachment style, or knowing each other’s love languages’ that makes a relationship work and last long. Rather, per the decades of research from the Gottmans and his own experience as a couples therapist of 20 years, the biggest game changer in relationships is ‘something you can start doing now until forever: turning towards bids for connection’.
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What is turning towards bids for connection?
According to the couple’s therapist, it’s any tiny moment your partner tries to get your attention, your affection, or your interest. “It’s, ‘Hey, look at this weird TikTok,’ or ‘I had the craziest dream last night,’ or even just a sigh while they stare out the window. That counts too,” he explained.
Per Jeff, in such a scenario, one generally has three choices: ‘they can turn toward their partner and engage, turn away and ignore them, or turn against and respond with irritation’. “The couples that thrive turn toward a lot, even if they’re busy, even if it’s dumb, even if it’s about golf,” he explained.
How does it work?
Why does this method work? Well, according to Jeff, “Each time you do, you’re basically making a deposit in your emotional bank account. You’re saying, ‘I see you, I care, I’m here’.” He explained that these tiny moments are what make the big moments easier. They create trust, connection, and resilience.
“So, if your relationship feels a little off lately, start with the smallest thing. Look at the meme, ask about the dream, be curious about their weird hyperfixation. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about showing up in the micro moments because that’s where the real intimacy lives,” he added.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.